Many people come to see me for therapy carrying a powerful belief: something is wrong with me
Some say this explicitly, often adding that it must be true because they are in therapy. Others don’t say it out loud, but it shows up in the questions they ask themselves:
- Why can’t I cope like other people seem to?
- Why do I feel this way when my life looks “fine”?
- Why do I keep getting stuck in the same patterns?
This belief doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s been shaped over time — through experiences in our families, at school, at work, and within a wider culture that often treats emotional distress as evidence of personal failure rather than something meaningful.
When distress starts to interfere with our relationships, it can feel especially unsettling. Relationships are often where we find safety, acceptance and a sense of being valued.
When our bonds with others feel fragile or strained, it is easy to turn point the finger inward and assume we are somehow inadequate or to blame.
Historically, the medical model has reinforced this idea by framing mental health in terms of symptoms, conditions and disorders located within the individual — something to be diagnosed and fixed.
It is no surprise, then, that therapy has often been approached as a last resort, when people feel they have exhausted their coping strategies and conclude that the problem must be them.
Needing Therapy Does Not Mean There Is Anything Wrong with You
What if distress is not a defect, but a meaningful response to the circumstances you have been through?
What if therapy will can help you with your distress — and still there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you?
Contemporary therapeutic thinking backed up by research and neuroscience sees distress as emerging between people and environments, rather than solely within a person.
Where Does Distress Come From?
Emotional experiences such as anxiety, sadness, anger, shame, fear or low mood are not signs of dysfunction. They are adaptive responses — part of our emotional system, which evolved to help us navigate our lives, particularly during earlier and more vulnerable stages of development.
When distress becomes overwhelming or persistent, it is often because these emotional systems — which function as information-processing systems — have been under sustained strain.
This pressure may come from prolonged stress, loss, relational ruptures, trauma, social inequality, or repeated experiences of not being understood or supported.
For example:
- Relationship difficulties often reflect early attachment patterns rather than personal inadequacy.
- Emotional numbness can be a protective response to experiences that felt too much to bear.
- Anxiety often reflects a nervous system that has learned the world is unpredictable or unsafe.
- Low mood may emerge when hope, agency or connection have been eroded over time.
Seen this way, many of the difficulties people bring to therapy are understandable adaptations – not evidence of something fundamentally wrong.
Distress as a Signal, Not a Defect
Many of the experiences people come to therapy with such as anxiety, low mood, relationship conflict etc — can be understood as signals rather than symptoms.
- They may be signalling that important needs are unmet such as a need for rest, safety, connection, meaning, autonomy or recognition.
- They may be signalling that you have been coping for a long time without adequate support.
- Or that you learned early on to prioritise others’ needs to such an extent that your own feelings became hard to access.
Therapy offers a space to listen to these signals rather than silence them — to become curious instead of self-critical.
Therapy Because Something Is Wrong – But Not with You
People may come to therapy because they feel stuck, overwhelmed, disconnected or unsure of their direction. Or they may want support navigating a relationship, a life transition, a loss, or a longstanding pattern that no longer feels right.
None of this means there is something wrong with you.
Therapy involves turning towards painful emotions, unhelpful ways of thinking and limiting patterns of relating. It is about making sense of these patterns — many of which once served an important purpose — and understanding how they may have become closed loops over time.
Crucially, change does not happen in isolation. It happens within a relationship. Therapy offers a relational experience that can feel different from what you may have known before.
This is not a quick fix. It takes time to build a relationship strong and safe enough to allow for new ways of being.
If life has taught you that people are unpredictable or unsafe, that belief does not disappear overnight. When hope, agency or connection have been eroded, rebuilding trust — in others and in yourself — requires consistency, patience and support.
The right kind of therapeutic relationship — one grounded in empathy, curiosity and respect — allows people to take emotional risks: to reflect honestly, to feel deeply, and to experiment with new ways of relating to themselves and others.
Therapy as a Space to Become More Fully Yourself, Not Fix Yourself
The old patterns which once helped you survive now restrict how you experience yourself, others and the world.
As these adaptations soften, people often find greater emotional awareness, self-trust and flexibility emerging naturally.
Change in therapy comes less from insight alone and more from experiencing a different kind of relationship with yourself and others – one where you do not have to perform, explain yourself perfectly, or hide difficult feelings.
So, What If There’s Nothing Wrong with You?
What if your feelings make sense in the context of your life?
What if your coping strategies were intelligent responses to past circumstances?
What if your distress is not evidence of failure, but a sign that something matters?
And what if therapy is not about becoming someone else — but about becoming more fully yourself?
Sometimes the most profound shift in therapy is not discovering what needs fixing, but realising that you were never the problem in the first place.
If you’d like to talk about your situation with me, you are welcome to get in touch and start a conversation.
If you’re thinking about starting therapy, you might already be asking yourself a deceptively simple question: How do I find the right therapist for me?
Some people feel more comfortable with a therapist who shares aspects of their identity — such as gender, culture, sexuality, or lived experience. Others don’t feel that’s important at all.
Therapy shouldn’t feel harsh or judgemental — but it also won’t always feel easy.
An initial phone call or enquiry is your chance to get a feel for the therapist. Notice how they respond to you and how you feel during the conversation.
If you often feel anxious — a racing heart, spiralling thoughts, replaying conversations, avoiding situations, or missing out on opportunities — you might be wondering whether this is something you should simply cope with, or whether it’s time to seek help.
From an evolutionary perspective, anxiety is part of the brain’s threat-detection system. It developed to help us respond quickly to danger by increasing heart rate, sharpening focus, and preparing the body for action.
Yes. Anxiety is highly treatable.
Lifestyle changes can play a supportive role.
I don’t like this phrasing at all — nor variations such as “
I’m not certain about this – it depends.
Again, it depends.