1. Find the right therapist for you ✅
I absolutely agree that finding the right therapist is the most important factor.
You are making a commitment to building a relationship with someone, so there needs to be a sense of connection — a feeling that you “click”. For some people, it may be important to work with a therapist who shares aspects of their identity. For others, a good fit may involve difference in background, culture, age, or life experience.
What matters most is whether you:
- trust your therapist and feel safe
- feel listened to, understood, and met with care
- feel your therapist is making sense of things
- believe they have the competence to help
In the UK, therapists working with adults should be members of a recognised professional body such as BACP, UKCP, NCPS, BPC, or COSCA (in Scotland).
2. Vulnerability is essential ❌
I don’t like this phrasing at all — nor variations such as “opening up is uncomfortable but necessary” or “holding back slows progress”.
Vulnerability should never be expected. Trust and closeness take time to develop in any relationship, including a therapeutic one. You should only talk about things when you feel safe and ready.
For many people, learning how to open up emotionally with another person is one of life’s greatest achievements. Holding back isn’t wrong — it may simply reflect where you are emotionally, or where you are with a particular experience, feeling, or memory.
Of course, therapy often involves moving towards what feels difficult. But this should happen because it feels right and because you are ready — not because you feel you feel a pressure to do so.
3. Be committed to the work ✅
Committing to the process and prioritising your sessions is important. Attending regularly and arriving on time gives the work the best possible chance.
Interestingly, sessions you really don’t feel like attending can often be some of the most valuable. Feeling resistant or reluctant can sometimes mean you are getting close to something important, which can then be explored together.
4. Therapy can feel hard before it feels better ❌
I’m not comfortable with this one either.
When things are difficult, therapy should still feel like a place where you can make sense of what’s happening, feel understood, and have space for your feelings. Ideally, therapy should act as a safe base — an anchor in the storm and a source of support.
That said, if you are going through something painful, or difficult emotions arise in sessions, that will naturally feel uncomfortable. Therapy involves turning towards these experiences — at the right pace, in the right way for you — so they can be worked through rather than avoided.
So I’d reframe it like this:
When things are hard, it should feel better to have therapy — even though the therapy itself may sometimes feel hard as you face things together.
5. Talk about the therapy itself ✅
Giving feedback to your therapist is one of the most useful things you can do.
This might include talking about:
- what is and isn't working for you in therapy
- how you experience your therapist
- feelings that arise in your relationship, including negative ones
This helps your therapist understand you more fully and tailor the therapy to your needs.
Having an authentic relationship with your therapist — where you feel able to disagree, ask questions, and seek clarification — is vital for building trust and a meaningful therapeutic connection.
If your therapist is doing their job well, you can say whatever you feel about them and the therapy. Don’t worry about being polite. Your role is not to protect their feelings. They should be able to hear and contain whatever comes up, however challenging, and remain focused on your experience.
6. Arrive fully prepared ✅ ❌
I’m not certain about this – it depends.
Sometimes it’s helpful to arrive knowing what you want to talk about, particularly if there are specific issues you want to focus on. At other times, there is real value in allowing the session to unfold naturally and working with whatever emerges in the moment.
Both approaches can be useful.
7. Be honest ✅
Therapy is your space to talk about anything you choose. No issue is too small or too big.
Being as honest as you can about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences — including doubts or negative feelings about therapy or your therapist — helps your therapist understand you more deeply and supports meaningful emotional work. It also helps you understand yourself better.
There are many moments where someone finally says something they’ve held inside for a long time, and this often opens the door to important and transformative work.
The caveat is that honesty does not mean you have to reveal everything. You don’t need to talk about anything you are not ready to share, and some things may remain private — and that’s okay.
8. Be fully present during sessions ✅ ❌
Again, it depends.
Minimising distractions and not watching the clock will usually help you get more from therapy. However, for some people, anxiety, ADHD, or life circumstances make full presence difficult at times.
You might be listening out for a call from your child’s school, feeling distracted by work, or needing to pause when something feels intense. Rather than forcing presence, it can be more helpful to allow your mind to do what it needs to do — and for the therapy to work with that.
9. Use the time between sessions ✅
Yes — this can really support the work.
Reflecting on what you talked about, noticing what comes up afterwards, and seeing how sessions connect to your wider life helps therapy continue beyond the room. Completely forgetting about therapy until the next session is less helpful.
It can also be useful to build in some time before sessions to reflect on your week, and time afterwards to process what you’ve experienced. Therapy can be emotionally demanding, and allowing space for this matters.
Self-care between sessions is important too. Making time to look after yourself and do things that help you feel grounded can support both the therapy and your overall wellbeing.
10. Be patient with the process ✅ ❌
Well yes, be patient. But not too patient!
Therapy is a gradual process, and this needs to be accepted. Emotional patterns that have developed over many years take time to understand and change.
Therapy is an investment of time, money, and emotional effort. It’s understandable to wish you were at the endpoint rather than still on the journey.
If you feel your therapy has stalled or you’re not making progress, talk to your therapist first. They may be able to adjust the work or explore what’s getting in the way.
If you feel there is still important emotional work to do and it isn’t happening — and you’ve voiced this — it may be time to consider a different therapist. Equally, if life has felt stable for some time and you don’t have much to bring, it may be time to think about ending.
Endings are an important part of therapy and, where possible, are best planned and worked towards together.
If you would like to talk to me or discuss whether therapy might be right for you, feel free to get in touch.