London Therapy Hub
Staying with your feelings
It’s not easy
Staying with your feelings is a simple idea, but in practice it can feel anything but easy. Many of us have learned, often from a young age, to move away from discomfort as quickly as possible.
We distract ourselves, rationalise, minimise, or push emotions aside altogether. While these strategies can offer short-term relief, they often come at the cost of deeper understanding and longer-term wellbeing.
In psychotherapy, “staying with your feelings” means allowing emotions to be present without immediately trying to change, fix, or escape them. It involves turning towards your inner experience with curiosity rather than judgement.
This might sound passive, but it is an active and often courageous process. It asks you to notice what is happening inside you—physically, emotionally, and mentally—and to remain engaged with it, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Emotions are not random or meaningless. They carry information about our needs, boundaries, relationships, and past experiences.
For example, anxiety might signal a perceived threat or uncertainty, sadness may point to loss or longing, and anger can highlight a boundary that has been crossed.
When we habitually avoid these feelings, we miss the opportunity to understand what they are trying to communicate.
Staying with your feelings does not mean getting stuck in them or dwelling indefinitely
Rather, it is about developing the capacity to tolerate and process emotional experiences in manageable ways.
This might involve approaching feelings gradually and it may help to move away from feeling if they are overwhelming you. You can return to them at a calmer moment or during therapy. Grounding techniques can help you remain connected to the present moment.
One of the key elements of this process is learning to distinguish between feeling and reacting. A feeling might arise quickly and automatically, but the way we respond to it can be more flexible.
For instance, feeling angry does not require acting aggressively; feeling anxious does not require avoidance. By staying with the feeling, even briefly, you might gradually find that you can create enough space to choose how you respond rather than acting on impulse.
This practice can also reveal patterns
You may begin to notice familiar emotional responses in certain situations or relationships. Perhaps criticism consistently leads to shame, or uncertainty triggers a strong need for control.
Recognising these patterns can be the first step towards understanding their origins and, over time, reshaping how you relate to them.
For many people, staying with feelings is challenging because it brings them into contact with experiences they have long tried to avoid. This might include grief, fear, or vulnerability. It is important to approach this work with compassion for yourself.
There is usually a good reason why certain emotions have been pushed away—they may once have felt too intense, unsafe, or unsupported. Therapy provides a space where these feelings can be explored more safely, often in the presence of a trained professional who can help you regulate and make sense of what emerges.
There are also practical ways to begin developing this capacity in everyday life
You might start by pausing when you notice a shift in your mood and asking yourself simple questions: What am I feeling right now? Where do I notice it in my body? What might this feeling be about? Even a few moments of attention can make a difference.
Techniques such as slow breathing, naming emotions, or gently describing your experience can help you stay present without becoming overwhelmed.
Over time, staying with your feelings can lead to a greater sense of emotional resilience. You may find that feelings become less frightening when you no longer need to avoid them.
You may also develop a stronger sense of self, as you become more attuned to your internal world and better able to respond to it thoughtfully.
Ultimately, staying with your feelings is about building a different kind of relationship with yourself—one based on awareness, acceptance, and care.
It is not always comfortable, but it can be deeply transformative, opening the door to insight, connection, and lasting change.
If you’d like to talk about with me about your feelings, do get in touch.
Further resources:
Staying with Your Feelings by Meg-John Barker is a thoughtful invitation to approach your emotional life with greater care, curiosity, and honesty. This zine explores what it means to gently remain with your feelings, even when they are uncomfortable. It recognises that many of us have learned to fear or dismiss our emotions, and offers a more compassionate alternative.
Blending therapeutic ideas with accessible, reflective practices, Barker provides a supportive guide to noticing and making space for what you feel. The emphasis is not on getting it “right,” but on building a more understanding relationship with yourself over time.
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